To commemorate the 9/11 attacks, though belated, I want to post this here. When I made a review of Michael Moore’s book about the incident that shocked the world. It’s not really a review “review” but just my habit of writing down what I like or love about the book I just finished reading.

Seen the movie “Dude, Where’s My Car?” many years ago, can’t remember what it’s about, all I could remember is that it’s a movie that made me laugh so hard because of that bubble wrap scene. Many years later, I found this book among those old books being sold in low prices in Ever Gotesco:

“Dude, Where’s My Country? Leave No Billionaire Behind” by Michael Moore.

It made me laugh inside so I quickly grab it then went to the counter to buy it. I have read Michael Moore’s “Stupid White Men… and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation” which made known to me about the condition of the United States of America, the cold hard facts and stories. I remember laughing reading that book, because of Moore’s candidness, giving me a comic relief despite all the sad things and harsh realities I learned about his own country. In “Dude, Where’s My Country? Leave No Billionaire Behind,” he shared his own personal account, his friends and colleagues’ account about the September 11 attacks and what led to it. The Chapter 1 of the book was difficult to read because every page got footnotes so that the reader can verify what he’s talking about and that perhaps is the reason why it took me ages to finish this book. I lost interest and read a comic book instead. But Moore was on a mission, he spoke truth to power, and at that time the president was George W. Bush who concocted a terrorist threat after the 9/11 attacks, and the terrorist, according to Bush, was Osama bin Laden. And Bush wanted him captured, dead or alive. He declared war on terror. But Moore got so many questions to ask, and this include:

“They call it the war on ‘terror.’ How exactly do you conduct a war on a noun? Wars are fought against countries, religions, and peoples. They are not fought against nouns or problems, and any time it has been attempted — the ‘war on drugs,’ the ‘war on poverty’ — it fails.”

And at this point, it reminded me of the Duterte administration and their “war on drugs.” And other things.

Bought this 2003 book of Michael Moore in 2015, and it was only during the last three or four days of 2019 that I made a conscious effort to finish it. So yes, I greeted the new year quietly, finishing a book. After four years. The September 11 attacks may now be a history, a never-to-be-forgotten part of our history, I just wanna know what exactly happened back in those days from the perspective of an author who I like and trust, because when it happened in 2001, I was a new employee in one of my first jobs, a distracted employee who just wanted to earn. I was not giving so much care then although I was shocked, of course, because I never imagine it could happen in the United States, known as the land of the free. Because, after all, he made sense!

On terrorists:

“When we are talking about terrorists, we need to accept and admit that most acts of terror are inside jobs and most terrorists are homegrown. We must stop thinking that it is the foreigner, the stranger, who is out to harm us. That is rarely the case. We’ve learned about this in modern times. We know that when a person is killed, the vast majority of time the victim knows the murderer. Children are molested usually not by the mythical stranger in a trench coat, but rather by family member, neighbor, or friendly clergy. Arsonists are far too often former firefighters. Burglars are many times people who have been in or worked on your home… And when it has come to people hijacking and crashing planes, the only two times this happened before September 11, it was insiders — the airline’s own people — not madmen outsiders. Only airline employees had been responsible for such mass-murder hijacking until 9/11/01. (A disgruntled USAir employee did not have to walk through security and brought a gun on board in December 1987 and crashed airplane in California, an Egyptian airline employee took over the controls and crashed that plane into the Atlantic Ocean.)”

On Osama bin Laden:

“I’ve always thought it was interesting that the mass murder of September 11 was allegedly committed by a multi-millionaire. We always say by a ‘terrorist’ or by an ‘Islamic fundamentalist’ or an ‘Arab,’ but we never define Osama by his rightful title — multi-millionaire. Why have we never read a headline saying, ‘3,000 killed by multi-millionaire’? It would be a correct headline, would it not? …

“We need protection from our own multi-millionaire, corporate terrorist, the ones who rip off our old-age pensions, destroy the environment, deplete irreplaceable fossil fuels in the name of profit, deny us our right to universal healthcare, take people’s jobs away whenever mood hits them. What do you call a 19 percent increase in the homeless and the hungry from 2001 to 2002? Are these not acts of terrorism? Do they not cost lives? Is it not all part of a calculated plan to inflict pain on the poor and the working poor, just so that a few rich men can get even richer?”

On democracy:

“Look, I don’t know how to put it any gentler than to say that these bastards who run our country are a bunch of conniving, thieving, smug pricks who need to be brought down and removed and replaced with a whole new system that we control. That is what democracy is supposed to be about — we, the people, in fucking charge.”

June 2, 2020

“Abundance makes us rich in dreams, for in dreams there are no limits. But it makes us poor in reality. It makes us soft and decadent, bored with what we have and in need of constant shocks to remind us that we are alive. In life, you must be a warrior, and war requires realism. While others may find beauty in endless dreams, warriors find it in reality, in awareness of limits, in making the most of what they have. Like the cat, they look for the perfect economy of motion and gesture– the way they give their blows the greatest force with the least expenditure effort. Their awareness that their days are numbered– that they could die at anytime –grounds them in reality. There are things they can never do, talents they will never have, lofty goals they will never reach, that hardly bothers them. Warriors focus on what they do have, the strengths they do possess and that they must use creatively. Knowing when to slow down, to renew, to retrench, they outlast their opponents. They play for the long term.”

~ One of my fave passages from Robert Greene’s book, “33 Strategies of War”

A good diversion from the pressure, stress, and demands of work this book by Elizabeth Galit, “May Forever Nga Ba?”

Can’t believe that this book of romance, which I have underestimated or ignored because I felt it is a kind of reading that I do not need in this life, turns out to be the right kind of book to bring me back into a proper perspective, to find my balance. People make mistakes and love heals all wounds.

My favorite part of the story is the ending, where I strongly felt that the beautiful story shall continue, sharing it here:

_________________

Nagtama ang paningin namin. Hindi ko inialis ang tingin ko sa kanya, at hindi rin niya ako pinakawalan ng tingin habang naglalakad siya papalapit sa akin.

Nang nakatayo na siya sa harap ko, hindi ko alam kung ano ang sasabihin ko.

“Ma’am ito na po yung kape ninyo,” sabi ng waitress.

“Pwede bang gawin mo nang dalawa ‘yan?” sabi ni Kim.

Naupo si Kim sa bakanteng upuan sa harap ko nang umalis ang waitress.

“Nandito ka…” sabi ko.

“Pasensiya na medyo natagalan ako,” sabi niya. “Pero salamat at mukhang naghintay ka.”

Napangiti ako. Ito na ba ‘yun? ‘Yung tamang pagkakataon? ‘Yung isang araw, balang araw.

“Hindi na ‘ko heartbroken. Wala na rin ako’ng ibang alalahanin…” sabi niya.

“Nag-uusap na kami ng mommy ko. May dinner kami mamaya, kasama si Kuya Kiwi.”

“Pwede ko na ba silang makilala? tanong ni Kim.

“Agad-agad?”

Natawa siya. “Bakit hindi?”

Hindi ko alam kung paano gumagalaw ang tadhana. Pero siguro, kung mas pinili kong umuwi kaagad, kung hindi muna ako dumaan dito, hindi kami magkikita ni Kim.

“Baka palagi ka na nilang hanapin sa tuwing may dinner kami,” biro ko.

“Eh di palagi mo akong isama. Palagi akong darating.”

“Paano kung nasa barko ka na ulit?”

“Paano kung hindi na ako umalis?”

“Talaga ba?”

“Oo naman.”

Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko, katulad ng pagkakahawak niya sa akin noong nasa Tagaytay kami, two years ago.

“Merry Christmas, Cherry.”

“Merry Christmas, Kim.”

_________________

So, may forever nga ba?

I have asked myself this question years before and my answer is no. Nothing lasts forever. But after reading this, I have been reminded that there is one kind of love that will prove to us that there is forever in love. And it is not because of the happy ending of the story. It is because of what I have read in the Acknowledgement section of the book where the author thanked our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ “who never failed to show me that FOREVER is real… everything I do, I do it for you.”

This got me teary-eyed as I am writing this and reflected on those words.

“Kumakanta ka rin?”

Natawa si Jason. “H’wag na lang natin muna pag-usapan ang singing abilities ko. But enough of me. Ikaw naman. What do you do aside from hiding behind your computer and your books?”

“Bakit parang sa pagkakasabi mo, ang sama-sama ng ginagawa ko?”

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to. So, ayun nga. What else do you do?”

“I love coffee and that’s it. Boring ang buhay ko. Naga-out of town din naman kami nila Joan, but you know, nakakapagod minsan.”

Finally we reached my shop. Bakit kaninang ako lang mag-isa ang naglalakad, parang ang layo na ng narating ko?

“What if we go out tomorrow? Saturday?”

“What?” Gulat kong tanong. Agad-agad? We just met, di ba?

“Let’s you know… just wind up. Have fun. Like you and your friends do,” sabi niya.

“I’m not sure. I just met you,” I said honestly.

“And so what? Di naman kita niyayaya magpakasal, eh,” natatawang sabi ni Jason.

“Well… I don’t know. Sa’n mo naman ako dadalhin, if ever?”

“I’ll show you what I normally do. At ‘wag kang mag-alala, I’ll take care of you. Promise.”

I didn’t know what the hell just happened, but I felt comfortable and safe with Jason. Going out with him sounded fun and at the same time dangerous. But still, there was no other way to know but to face it.

~ excerpt from “Destiny Cheated Me” by Elizabeth Galit

__________________________

Do you believe in destiny? I believe there is a wonderful destiny for each one of us if we work hard and be with other people and we accept who we are, flaws and all. I believe that we create our own destiny.

If despite working hard nothing good is coming out of it or nothing improves, we can make a choice or change direction. There is a saying that I like, “Rejection is God’s protection or redirection.”

If we entered into something with high hopes and full of positivity and discovered it is not what we imagined it to be, we can still walk away from a wrong choice with an experience and added wisdom. Nobody is all-knowing who makes the best decision all the time. Nobody. Especially in the matters of the heart.

The story began nine years prior when four friends in high school played spirit of the glass to beat their boredom. To make it fun, they asked the spirit (if there really was a spirit) who will be their soulmates. The spirit of the glass started spelling out the names of their soulmates except for one. And that one friend, by the name of Beau, now think that the spirit of the glass is just nothing. The names given to the other three gave them excitement and doubt all at the same time. Louise, the lead protaganist, got the name Jason Marcelo. Fast forward to nine years after, Louise, by some stroke of good (or was it bad) luck, meets a handsome and appealing guy who just introduced himself as Jason Marcelo. Is destiny making fun of her? Or was it just a coincidence?

Allow me to share that there is a thing that upsets me until now, an unbelievable thing that I could not get over with at the same time I would laugh at because it was so absurd, a delusion of grandeur of another person, so to rechannel my anger, I thought why not read a romance novel written by a Filipino author instead.

So when I started reading about Louise’s journey in meeting her “soulmate” (is he really the one?), with her friends as witnesses, I could not hold back my kilig. And since I know the author behind this novel, I could not help but see her face in Louise as I was reading, haha!

I am really not into romance book, I would rather experience it or imagine romance whenever my spirit moves me but to read about it? My initial reaction was: so high school! I am old for that.

But let’s admit it, no matter how old we get, when we are inspired by or have a crush on someone we become excited, like we are back to being a teenager, as if the world is so bright and beautiful. I remember when I was young, I also have written about romance but never got to finish it because I don’t know, I was too young and I don’t know what I was doing? Just releasing some longings, I guess. In high school, my letters to my friends were all about my crushes and vice versa.

Elizabeth Galit’s Destiny Cheated Me has recharged me with optimism. I was kilig, having gushy feelings because Louise is taking risk in love and makes sure that she’s not stepping on anyone’s toes, she knows her place. And that’s what I admire about her.

The first few months of the community quarantine was to me a breather from delivering tasks and expectations one after the other with only days of preparation and from the anxiety attack I experienced in January 2020. Because of the community quarantine where we were stuck at home, my sleeping habit changed, from being a late sleeper to no regular pattern of sleep, awake in the evening until the following morning then asleep in the afternoon or in the morning. In some days this pattern would change. From March, April, May, to June then wham! I felt pain in my stomach then a blurrying vision (read: kabag and the onset of presbyopia). The eye strain after months of looking at a small screen of my phone for meetings and work-related matters took its toll.

As a person who makes a conscious effort to look at the bright side, while having fears, and because I am aware that even a terrible situation, a misfortune, is not perfect, meaning, there is still a good side, an opportunity, a blessing behind a suffering, this experience taught me an important lesson: to take care of myself. Reflecting now since the declaration of the community quarantine in March 2020, I have been so engrossed, oftentimes, not minding the time, even if it’s from evening to morning, not sleeping, not eating just to work while at home based on which time that I could find comfort to do my work amidst the hot weather. There were times that I would get lazy to work because there is a health crisis going on (people dying of Covid, people getting hurt and being neglected by our government) and at the same time I would get disturbed by this pressure of high expectations or competition of proving one’s worth even when there is a pandemic. It was a rollercoaster ride even while stuck at home. As they say, every dark cloud has a silver lining. In life, in a terrible situation, there is a silver lining, too. The pandemic, the community quarantine, the lockdown was a reset. A chance to start all over, to mend my ways, health-wise. A chance to fix my diet, my attitude, my priorities.

Which is why it came as a beautiful surprise to know that Ricky Lee came out with a new book, “Kulang na Silya, Essays on Life and Writing.” In January 2021, I was able to get my own copy. What I did not expect is that the content would be so current. For he wrote about his own experience about the first few months of the community quarantine, the lockdown.

“Nang dumating ang pandemic, I panicked. I am the sort of person who cannot stay put. Lalabas at lalabas ako ng bahay. Maski kapag nagsusulat ay very mobile ako. And I have panic attacks. I feel suffocated if forced to stay confined in one place. Ilang beses na, dati, sa loob ng eroplano na papalipad ay hirap akong pigilan ang desire kong makalabas. Kaya madalas ako noong tumanggi na magbiyahe.

“And then the lockdown. Ikot ako nang ikot sa bahay.

“Sa gabi ay nagigising ako, pinakikinggan ang kabadong pagtibok ng mundo. Ngayon lang nangyari na ang mga nababalitaan kong nagkasakit o namatay ay mga kaibigan. Nawalan ng kasiguraduhan ang mundo. I started questioning myself, kung may silbi pa ang mga ginagawa ko. Para akong nagkapira-piraso, nawalan na ulit ng identidad. I took a deep breath. Ano ba ang alam kong gawin? Saan ba ako mahusay? Magsulat. Gumawa ng mga kuwento.”

I couldn’t stop reading that I finished his book in one sitting. It was comforting to read, so honest. Knowing about his ordeal during the pandemic which made my ordeal, my anxiety attack at the start of 2020 valid. And quite normal.

Of course, this one I expected, the one I always look forward to when I would attend his book launchings or buy his non-fiction books: he shared tips about writing. Because one thing that I like about his writing tips, even though you are not a full-time writer, his tips would remain useful and helpful in some other aspects. For example, here’s one tip that I believe we could apply, too, on how we go about our lives. I have been taught, and I am also a believer, that each one of us has his or her own spiritual journey. We all have different paths to take so competition or comparing oneself to another person is really pointless.

Ricky Lee shared:

“Rubber band technique. Kung ano ka ngayon, every now and then, go opposite. Halimbawa, kung at home kang magsulat ng drama, try comedy. Maski hindi maganda ang kalabasan. The experience will help expand you. And anyway, just like the rubber band, babalik at babalik ka sa dati mong lugar pero nag-improve ka na dahil na infuse ka na ng experience ng paglayo sa comfort zone mo.

“Pretend that you are the person you hate the most.”

It’s now March 2021 and we are again asked by our government to stay in our homes for another round of a lockdown. This is a result of the increasing number of people infected with Covid. Alongside with this, while sick people are increasing, affected people are increasing as well. I am just thankful that I have a work from home as we try to cope with the health crisis and wait for a better tomorrow, but if you ask me, I would still prefer to go out and go to an office and do my work there or elsewhere. I believe home should be a place of rest and recreation not a place of work. Of course I do think about the daily wage earners, the informal sector. These are the ones who would find ways to create their own livelihood even without the support of the government who should be helping them. And while reflecting on what is happening outside, I would get to reflect about my own issues, wishes, and longings. My own self-preservation.

This is my favorite takeaway from the book that I am also a believer and I do practice it whenever I need to. It is about turning things around. Turning an uncomfortable situation into your own ganda moment.

Ricky Lee shared:

“Anuman ang mga depekto at kahinaan mo, anuman ang sinasabi ng ibang tao na weaknesses at bad side mo, you can never totally reject it. Part mo na iyon. So embrace it and turn it around.

“It then becomes part of your unique voice as a writer. Dahil ano ba ang unique voice kundi ang mga kahinaan at kahusayan mo, ang unfulfilled dreams mo, ang mga di mo makuha at di mo na makukuha, ang mga tama at maling paniniwala mo, ang mga sugat at peklat mo?

“It has made me tolerant of other people’s weaknesses too. Maybe ang nakaharap sa akin ay ang bad side nya. Maybe I can turn it around and see the real him.

“The ones who seem weird, nerdy, obsessive, ‘yung ibang-iba sa nakasanayan natin, once they are able to turn it around they will be far better than the ones who fit the box and follow the rules…

“At kapag may masamang nangyayari, o kaya ay may mali sa sitwasyon sa buhay ko, lagi kong iniisip, I can turn this around.

“At my age now, I still keep pushing myself to fight all these defects and weaknesses, trying to turn them around. Kapag di ko ma-turn around, my usual response would be to work harder.”

I agree with you, sir Ricky Lee.

To add, and I have mentioned this before, always keep taking care of yourself a high priority. This means proper nutrition, getting enough rest and sleep, and exercise. To me, taking care of myself also means reading a book and writing down my reflections here in my own world in cyberspace.

“Sa komiks ako lumaki, hindi sa mga kuwentong pambata. Ang totoo, halos wala na akong nabasang mga kuwentong pambata noong bata pa ako.

“Ito siguro ang dahilan kaya matapos kong maisulat ang mga kuwento sa koleksyong ito ay na-realize ko na hindi pala sila pambata.

“Pero ano ba ang pambata, at ano ang pangmatanda? May mga bata sa loob nating matatanda. At kapag tiningnan mo namang mabuti sa mga mata nila ang mga bata, minsan ay makikita mo kung magiging ano sila sa kanilang pagtanda.”

~ Ricky Lee, taken from the book, “Kung Alam N’yo Lang: Mga kuwentong pambata para sa mga hindi na bata”

__________________

Taong 2017 ko pa binili itong libro, sa mismong book launching ni Ricky Lee sa Fully Booked, Bonifacio High Street, Taguig. By the time na naisipan ko na itong basahin ngayong taon– dahil kolekta ako nang kolekta ng mga libro nya pero tatlo pa lang ang natatapos kong basahin–ito rin ang panahon na nagkaroon ng karamdaman ang aso kong si Douglas. Incidentally, ang unang istorya pa na mababasa ko mula dito sa libro ay tungkol sa isang batang lalaki na may alagang aso at pusa na gustong makita ang Diyos. Kaya hinanap ng bata sa iba’t ibang lugar kasama ng kanyang mga alaga ang Diyos. Medyo malungkot lang na malaman na sa tagal ng kanilang paghahanap at paglalakbay ay aabot sa puntong mawawala sa piling nya ang kanyang mga alaga. Nauna muna ang aso:

“Dumating ang ikalabinlimang taon ng aso at isang araw ay hindi na ito makabangon. Nilalagnat at pinagpapawisan. Hirap huminga. At may maputing lambong sa mga mata kaya wala nang nakikita. Taas nang taas ang isang paa nito, na parang may pilit hinahawakan.”

Natapos ko itong unang kwento na ito na walang kamalay-malay na ito rin pala ang mangyayari sa aso kong si Douglas pero sa maagang edad na anim na taon. Pero kahit nangyayari iyon, pilit kong pinaniniwalaan na babalik sa dati si Douglas, babangon ulit at magiging makulit kahit sinabi na ng veterinarian na ipa-mercy killing ko na ang aso ko. Kumbaga milagro na lang kung sya ay gagaling. Kaya habang sinusubukan kong painumin sya ng gamot at pampaganang kumain, natatakot na rin ako na mawawala na sya. Nang tuluyan na syang nawala, hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala. At grabe yung sakit nang mawala sya, mas grabe pa sa pakikipagbreak o kapag iniwan ka ng pinili mong mahalin.

Sa unang kwento, nabanggit na hanggang sa pagtanda na ng bata, nang sya naman ay kailangan na ring pumanaw, nandyan na ang liwanag ay patuloy pa rin nyang hinahanap ang Diyos.

May temang kamatayan ang bawat kwento dito sa librong ito at pakiramdam ko tuloy coincidence sya. Bakit? Kasi ang biggest fear ko ay death, the unknown. What would happen to us after we die? Is there really an after life? Is there really heaven? Sa kabilang buhay ba ay makikita kong muli ang mga mahal ko sa buhay? Si Douglas? Andami kasing relihiyon na may iba’t ibang paniniwala. Nandyan pa yung mga hindi naniniwala na may Diyos o yung tinatawag na atheists, kaya sa kasalukuyan simula nang maranasan ko at ng halos buong mundo ang lockdown at community quarantine, ito ang mga katanungang dumagdag sa anxiety ko. Lalo na nang namatay ang aso kong si Douglas. Hanggang dun na lang ba iyon? Pero habang sinusulat ko ito, nararamdaman ko at sigurado ako na may Diyos. Dahil naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal Nya sa akin nang dumating sa buhay ko ang mga aso kong si Douglas at Bea. Sa pamilya ko, na kahit may hindi pagkakaunawaan ay sa tingin ko naman ay hangad namin ang kabutihan para sa isa’t isa. Sa mga kaibigan at bagong kaibigan na nakikilala. Sa mga kasama sa trabaho na kahit may kompetisyon sa pagdedeliver ng outputs ay natututunan naming magkaroon ng care sa isa’t isa hindi nga lang ito agad-agad dahil sa pagkakaiba ng ugali at karanasan sa buhay pero nandun na ang care (salamat sa pandemic). Sa mga kapitbahay na hinihingan namin ng assistance tuwing may pangangailangan ang pamilya namin. At dahil kami ay medyo mas nakakaangat sa kanila ay nagbibigay kami ng kaunting pera bilang tulong na rin. Sa mundong ibabaw lang talaga ay mayroong mga taong mas pinipili ang manloko at magnakaw kaysa piliin ang tamang pakikitungo sa kapwa.

Minsan ba natanong mo sa sarili mo bakit hindi na lang tayo ginawang imortal? Ako oo. Naging part sya ng curiosity ko. Naisip ko, kung ginawa tayong imortal, ay nakakatakot rin. Baka hindi natin bigyan ng pagpapahalaga ang mga hayop o tao dahil alam nating hindi naman ito mawawala sa atin. Maski ang sarili natin ay baka hindi natin bigyan ng halaga dahil imortal nga di ba? At dito sa mundong ibabaw kahit masaya ay may kaakibat na endless suffering and pain habang nabubuhay.

So bakit ba tayo ipinanganak, nabubuhay, at malalagutan lang pala ng hininga sa bandang huli? Ang alam ko lang isang blessing ang mabuhay. Isang pagkakataon na magmahal at mahalin rin ng iba, hayop man o tao. Ang sarap maramdaman ang pagmamahal dito sa mundong ibabaw. Mga naging repleksyon ko matapos kong basahin ang libro na ito ni Ricky Lee. Habang sinusulat ko ito, parang naniniwala na ako sa after life na itinuturo ng simbahang Katoliko. Kagaya nga ng sinabi sa akin ng batang cinematographer na si Chino de Vera, may pagkakaiba man ang mga relihiyon, lahat naman sila ay guiding us towards the good/light.

Ang “Kung Alam N’yo Lang” ay may apat na kwento na pinagbibidahan ng apat na bata: si Carlo na gustong makita ang Diyos sa “Ang Nawawalang Diyos;” si Trevor na nakakakita ng mga gumagalaw na letra sa kanyang kwarto sa “Ang Sayaw ng mga Letra;” si Inggo at ang kanyang bayan na may lihim na itinatago sa “Si Inggo at ang Santo Kuwatro;” at si Monty na hinarap at nagalit kay Kamatayan sa “Nang Mapagod si Kamatayan.”

“… I’ve dodged death. Something tells me there have been dozens more of these random circumstances.

“There might have been speeding cars, falling objects, poisonous squid balls. I surely would have been within sneezing distance of avian diseases and a light brush away from other regrettable and irreversible conditions.

“This letter is not about dying. It’s about growing old. At forty-three, weary and very much the worse for wear, I’ve accepted the deceivingly stupid fact that the only way to accomplish old age is to dodge death. These are trying times after all, and this is a pretty shitty place to live in.”

~ Letter to my Son by Sarge Lacuesta, from the book “A Waiting Room Companion”

___________________

It was the fifth month of the pandemic when I opened up to my crush about my eye strain and the anxiety that came with it. Told him I miss working in the office. And to cope, I lessened my time spent in social media and would rather read. He recommended an article for me to read, “James Baldwin: Letter from a Region in My Mind.” When I checked, my eyes easily got tired just by browsing through it, it was a long article from an online site. I tried reading it but the content was so serious and the English words were just so deep. I replied by showing him a picture of the cover of the book I was reading, a book by Bob Greene and Oprah Winfrey entitled “Make the Connection: Ten Steps to a Better Body–and a Better Life.” He told me to enjoy.

A few days later, my crush checked on me via messenger. Also, he messaged because he needed to get some contact numbers from me for him to text or call so he wouldn’t bother me with his request related to work. Incidentally, I was not feeling well that day. Told him about my eyes, my dogs, my father. Especially about my eyes. He got so worried. He said maybe it’s about time to wear eyeglasses and to take a rest even for just a few days. And to get a morning sunshine. To cut the long story short, I listened to his advice and took a sick leave. Which is sad. I’ve always wanted to rest but because we already have a work from home setup, I just thought it would not apply. I felt it would be embarrassing to ask. It was only when he said it that I got convinced that I really should take a rest.

It helped.

I snapped the morning sunshine when I remembered to take a picture then I sent it to him. He was an encouraging friend at that moment. He is turning out to be my friend. I also shared with him that I changed the book I was reading. Because I started reading Sarge Lacuesta’s “A Waiting Room Companion.” This book became my companion as I was adjusting to my eyeglasses, my aging eyesight, and with the pandemic. It was the start of my personal “new normal.” Because I was having difficulty, I would read the book one or two essays at a time. The book by Bob and Oprah I thought I do not need it (it’s a good book, though) since I already lost weight after changing my diet for the sake of my eyes.

“A Waiting Room Companion” is a compilation of Sarge Lacuesta’s essays and anecdotes. And I would get entertained by them. It was my first time to read one of his works and it felt like I was reading something similar to Friedrich Nietzsche’s writings in a modern way– there are points of view that you won’t get but there would be one sentence/paragraph or two that I would learn something from. For example, in his essay “If memory serves me right,” he was talking about cars. For someone like me who only appreciates cars by its aesthetics, and because the author writes so candidly about his experiences and insights about the different cars or engines, I also got interested.

“8. There have been many jeepney makers, but Sarao was the iconic brand for the King of the Road. It was custom-designed, hand-built, and in its better days festooned with swept-back antennae, springing horses, the name of the driver’s children, entire Bible passages, and sideboard art ripped off from the pages of Metal Hurlant—with lots of room to spare for the grandchildren’s names, because the jeepney was an heirloom, family enterprise, and status symbol all in one. They stuck a truck engine under the hood to carry all those passengers—up to twenty seven, according to the word on the streets–and all that extra metal sheeting…”

My favorite was when he joined a quiz bee during his elementary days.

“I was twelve or thirteen. Two of my classmates and I were handpicked among our entire Grade 6 class to be a contingent of contestants that would represent our school at a trivia quiz segment in a popular noontime show.

“I can’t remember the name of the game, much less the name of the show. I could make it up, of course, all in the spirit of working out the things in my past. I could look it up in the internet, too. But I have neither the energy nor the inclination, and I’m writing all this in a kind of rush because this is one of those things you forget to tell after so many years.”

Okay, I’ll stop there.

My favorites are also those last letters for his son and wife. And I get to see their pictures in that chapter’s pages. It was very touching. Especially when he spoke about growing old. He was 43 when he wrote it. I am now 42 so I found just what I was looking for, comfort. That I am not alone. Of course! It’s just that when you’re experiencing something new, it’s either a joy or a challenge. Mine is a challenge. I forgot that I am no longer 22. I am growing old and I am kind of introspective about this. (When I was younger, I wished to be old. Now that I’m old, ang hirap pala on the physical aspects. Although I am really not that old.)

I met sir Sarge in a fiction writing seminar. He had this deadpan humor which I could not forget. There was just something about him that is so likeable, an appeal as others would call it. So after meeting him, I got motivated to look for his books in National Bookstore. There was one I’ve found but it got damages and there were only two copies left. I just made a request from the Customer Service to wrap the book with a plastic cover for me to buy it since I was not given a discount (my copy got folds and wrinkles, the other copy got finger prints). I had to buy a plastic cover because I really wanted to buy the book. There were a few times that I watched sir Sarge on YouTube, watched two of his interviews when I was having anxiety and so deeply worried about a few things. Experiencing aging is scary pala. Having a book like “A Waiting Room Companion” and having a new interest in the person of sir Sarge and having a friend in the person of my crush at this time of pandemic—they helped get me through.

I finished reading the book January of this year. It felt rewarding to finish something. And I am just thankful of the rare moments that I was able to see my crush in person a few months after that fateful day that I shared with him about my anxiety. I saw him once in December 2020 and once in January 2021. And during those rare times, we haven’t got the chance to talk because of the circumstances and our different moods. Because I feel there is nothing to talk about. To see each other alive and well is enough. Besides, there is messenger where we communicate because of our different work. I wish we get to be real good friends. I wish him all the good things. About my eyes, I really need to be careful now and to take a rest from time to time. And to eat from time to time. Sometimes I forget to eat if I am too engrossed to finish something. I also need to remind myself to wear my eyeglasses, I am still not used to it although it’s a comfort to wear eyeglasses while working or reading because I get to see clearly. I am also thankful that we are back to work in the office on a rotating basis to comply with the health protocols.

“Now comes the big question: what are you going to write about? And the equally big answer: anything you damn well want, anything at all… as long as you tell the truth.”

~Stephen King

——–

Done reading “On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft” by Stephen King. Such a privilege to know about his thought process when writing fiction. Not only that, Stephen also shared about his childhood, his family, his odd jobs just to make ends meet, and what moved him to become a writer. He shared with us his journey on writing and finishing “Carrie,” a psychological-thriller that became bestseller and was adapted into a motion picture. He shared with us what was going on behind the scenes while writing some of his books. He shared with us that moment that he almost died when he got hit by a truck.

Writing fiction is an art or a skill that I want to learn. But I think it’s a gift. Because I remember myself as a child until my puberty effortlessly writing an invented story in my pad paper. A love story that I never finished, that I threw away in the trash. What was I doing? I said to myself. I did not know then that what I was writing was a script. I also liked playing chess and dominoes, imagining them as characters in my story just happening in my head. Each chess figure and domino had a face. In my head, they were people, moving and driving a car, talking with each other, etc. The story in my head would range from horror, romantic, sensual, to sitcom. Sometimes it was a teen show. When a cousin lived with us, he asked what I was doing, for he saw me staring at the chess or dominoes, concentrating. I forgot what was my reply. Somewhere along the way, as I was making my way to finish high school, then college, those chess and dominoes became what they really are, just chess and dominoes. No more faces. Until they had to be given away. In my 30s, I tried writing fiction, because I had a crush, but it was only three paragraphs short. Then no follow-up after that. Guess I just needed a release. But I love writing essays, writing down my thoughts and experiences in a notebook. That’s why blogging became my outlet. I wanted to share those thoughts and experiences with the people who would stumble upon my post.

I want to write fiction, not for money, but as another form of outlet. But I always end up writing the actual incident or event or moment.

“The scariest moment is always just before you start. After that, things can only get better,” shares Stephen.

“You don’t need writing classes or seminars any more than you need this or any other book on writing. Faulkner learned his trade while working in the Oxford, Mississippi post office. Other writers have learned the basics while serving in the Navy, working in steel mills, or doing time in America’s finer crossbar hotels. I learned the most valuable (and commercial) part of my life’s work while washing motel sheets and restaurant tableclothes at the new Franklin laundry in Bangor. You learn best by reading a lot and writing a lot, and the most valuable lessons of all are the ones you teach yourself. These lessons almost always occur with the study door closed.”

But he also said this, on writing classes or seminars:

“If you got a chance to participate in a deal like that, I’d say go right ahead. You might not learn The Magic Secrets of Writing (there aren’t any–bummer, huh?) but it would certainly be a grand time, and grand times are something I’m always in favor of.”

On writing:

“Writing did not save my life–Dr. David Brown’s skill and my wife’s loving care did that–but it has continued to do what it has always has done: it makes my life a brighter and more pleasant place.”

Di ko sya na-appreciate, haha, mahina impact siguro kasi pang-Milenyal daw kasi sya.  Pero itong libro, sa tingin ko, may purpose pa rin sa buhay ko like siguro ‘pag nabadtrip ako, isa ito sa magiging outlet ko: kukulayan ko na lang yung mga drawing kaya dadalhin ko ito sa opis.

At least ibang treat naman ito galing kay Ramon Bautista at kasama nya si Ryan Sandagon bilang tagaguhit.

“Ang librong ito ay isang coloring book na ang pangunahing misyon sa buhay ay magbigay ng panandaliang aliw habang kinukulayan,” pagbabahagi ni Ramon Bautista.  “Pwede ring basahin lang at hindi kulayan.  Ipamigay bilang regalo.  Gawing pamaypay.  Ibenta.  Gawing panggatong sa pagdating ng zombie apocalypse at nagkaubusan na ng LPG.  Pwede ring ipang-kalso sa pinto o sa mesa na umaalog habang pinagkakainan.

“Pwede rin itong matulad sa ibang stuff mo na nandyan lang at naghihintay ng kung anong paggagamitan.

“Parang ikaw.”

I got discouraged upon seeing the hot sos workout plan I found in this book by Solenn Heussaff.  My viewpoint is this: if you’ve finally decided to lose weight and look better, and you’re not really the physically active type of person (worse, don’t have flexible body yet), I don’t think I would recommend the workout plan specified in the book. Like planking? Whoa, wait a minute. Running? I heard if you got weak knees this is not advisable. Actually, I tried some of those before from another source and my instinct told me to go after an exercise which I can enjoy and not be intimidated with or feel dumb about.

But this was my initial reaction, particularly when I was still at Chapter 2. I just continued with my reading hoping to find a ray of light from this book. And I did, thank God.

“Everyone’s workout style is different.  If you really wanna enjoy exercising, you need a routine that matches both your goals and personality,” says Solenn matter-of-factly.

I’d ask friends what’s their secret for losing weight, looking better in just a short time. Most of them would tell me: “I don’t eat dinner anymore. If I need to eat, I eat one piece of an apple.” “I avoid rice.” “I eat more protein than carbs.” “I don’t drink softdrinks anymore. I drink tea.”

And despite hearing this, I’d still drink Coke, eat more carbs, rice, and I can’t even remember when was the last time I ate a fruit. People would observe I gained weight. I, too, observed I gained weight. People’s opinions get to me but I’d still go back to my habit to cope with it:  I continue drinking Coke, eating lots of carbs, I eat anything that’s delicious not caring the impact it would do to my body.

Until my fat male colleague, also a friend, was overreacting over me gaining weight, that I look like a mom already (I’m not!). And when I would strike back at him for saying something too blunt from someone like him who’s fat, his excuse was it was because he saw me not like this before. If he hadn’t met me five years ago only now, he would have easily accepted my appearance. But he knew who I was before. He strongly demanded that I go back to my beautiful self and shed that pounds!

So this is Day 1. The beginning of my road to recovery.

“CHAPTER 3:  DON’T EAT LESS. EAT RIGHT.

“Let’s get something straight. I LOVE FOOD.  Healthy food I love even more.  Actually, to get another thing straight, eating healthy or “eating clean” is not about depriving yourself.  It’s about choosing food that’s good for you,” shares Solenn, who used to be fat when she was younger and was bullied for being so.

“Like, I love crispy pata, but whenever I eat it, I won’t have an entire leg, because that will make me feel bloated and sluggish.  Instead, I’ll savor a few bites, so my cravings are satisfied.

“Honestly, healthy eating isn’t so complicated.  I try to prepare my own food, and I make sure I “eat a rainbow,” because meals with more color usually have some veggies and fruits in it.  I also drink three liters of water every day to avoid overeating.

“So this chapter is all about food, everything from buying it to preparing it.  If you’re expecting advice like “Do NOT eat the bacon!” um, you’re not gonna find it here.”

Well, thank you, Solenn. What a relief!  Hey, I would like to try that Cheesy Panini recipe you shared. Looks yummy to me.

I also wanna try that vitamins drink because not only it’s healthy, it’s easy to prepare. Exactly what I’ve been looking for: easy to prepare and ingredients are not hard to find.

So this is Day 1. And I started off by reading Solenn Heussaff’s book, “Hot Sos: Your Guide to Getting Fit, Eating Well, and Loving the Body You’re In.” A book that encouraged me that I can do it!